A Severe And Enduring Anorexia

I had a very anguished time this week writing to the mother of a young child who has been refusing food and water for quite a while. Obviously the child is on a section and has spent months on a feeding tube. There has been some progress and this is quickly followed by setbacks. The child says that she does not want to live with mum for reasons we cannot understand, but there is nowhere else to go. The mother is now shattered with the strain of it all and has broken down.


I have decided to write something for parents and carers whose loved ones have a severe and enduring eating disorder. There is a lot out there telling parents what to do, what kind of caring to offer, and how to speak to someone who clearly hates herself, himself and probably everybody else. When a loved one is lying passive on a hospital bed, and when we cant get through to them, how do we really reach out to help their carers.


So I have written a guide and I will publish it on our website when I have had a chance to get some ideas from all the other lovely members of our Network. Basically what I have to say is this. Recovery from a severe and enduring eating problem is an existential struggle that may take a very long time to resolve if it ever will.  A therapist will only reach down to the pain inside the anorexia when the patient is ready, but when will that be?  We must always love the sufferer but we also have to live and help other members of the family to connect to what is good in life.


This may involve changing something in ourselves rather than expecting someone else to change. What are our own black holes and deficits?  What do we need to grow as human beings?  We need to pay heed to these and let our loved ones see that we are also accepting change.  Then by the grace of secret communication they will learn that they aren't the only ones who need to be fixed. And we have to hope that this understanding will help them to be healed in the fullness of time; hope without expectation and a willingness to be very, very patient.


Look for my article in the Carers section of our website www.eating-disorders.org.uk anytime soon.

Sharing Meals: Carers And Eating Disorders

I haven't been here for a while, sometimes you just have to think about other things, like walks in the woods, going to the sea with family and eating ice creams (Cornish of course) and rejoicing in having the best fish and chips in the world arguably at Rick Stein's takeaway at Padstow.

And how nice that we were all able to sit down as a family and enjoy.

I think that it's possibly the worst thing in the world is to be with someone who won't share in the meal because they are on some kind of strange diet or they are allergic to fish or because they are terrified of eating. I've done a family check and everyone finds it traumatic and distressing when there is someone who won't or can't eat with everyone else.

Why? We're all individuals. Perhaps we have a caveman gene which puts us on alert when someone in the tribe is not thriving or participating. I have no idea why sharing a meal with  loved ones and sharing enjoyment is so important. Last night, youngest daughter cooked for us and eating together was central to the fun.

People with eating disorders really don't know how much of a burden they put on other people. Much more than other mental health problems. Maybe because sharing food seems to important to social health.

People with eating disorders  under-estimate the impact on carers, siblings and friends of strained atmospheres, the overall burdens of being with them and  the worries carers have about the future. Loved ones  worry about the effects of bizarre eating  on the sufferer and the effects of parent's behaviour on their children.

People with eating issues under-estimate the effort it takes to pretend not to notice bizarre eating habits or to try not to make comments. They under-estimate the stress of trying to encourage someone who is struggling.

When we offer unwanted care or attention is being offered, the person with the eating issue is likely to get aggressive or convince themselves that we are the problem not them.  Then we have to cope with their anger  AS WELL AS the stress and worry of their disorder. The carer struggles to figure out how to communicate their feelings without unleashing a tsunami.

It's not YOUR business says the sufferer. It's my choice to eat what I please. And so it is. No-one wants to be forced to eat things they don't want or like. Yet there is a fine dividing line where we can see that eating has become a form of self harm, and we react to it.

Poor carers.  How can we bridge the gap to make sure that people with eating issues are at least sympathetic to the trauma of living with someone who cannot eat around  the campfire with us.